Welcome to- The Fountain Pen Community!

Members Login
Post Info TOPIC: Uber Tough Guy Chuck Norris Jokes
DWL


***

Status: Offline
Posts: 2016
Date:
Uber Tough Guy Chuck Norris Jokes
Permalink Closed


Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck never cries.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' semen escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime of the Transformers.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fu**ing beef.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a damned Jeep.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the hell out of the way.

__________________

Tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior ito
~Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them

DWL


***

Status: Offline
Posts: 2016
Date:
Permalink Closed

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of an apple

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris used to beat up of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy with Chuck Norris

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
 
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face. 
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. 
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. 
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
 
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
 
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
 
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.


Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. 
 
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list. 
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. 
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
 
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. 
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
 
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility. 
Chuck Norris invented water.
 
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. 
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!” 
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. 
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
 
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. 
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
 
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
 
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit. 
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full. 
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
 
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds and not get a drop on himself.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Nobody does it like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a machete and a bucket.

There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

__________________

Tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior ito
~Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them



Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink Closed



Say Man,
What have you been smoking?

__________________
Olivia


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 6
Date:
Permalink Closed

Cool, it is pretty cool discussion buddy, keep it up...

__________________

car repair brisbane

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse
Powered by ActiveBoard